Welcome to the Happiness A to Z
Click a letter
A Always look on the bright side
You have two cupboards. One holds all of your achievements: the day you made everybody laugh, the day you saved someone's life, the day you helped somebody, the day you got top marks, the day you achieved something great etc. The other cupboard has all of your failures: the girls/boys that turned you down, the tests you failed, the bad decisions you made etc.
When something bad happens to you it is very easy to open the failures cupboard and bring everything out for inspection: the 'why does it always rain on me?' syndrome. You find yourself wallowing in your failures. This takes away your energy, confidence and momentum and serves no useful purpose.
Don't do it.
Instead see the setback as a one off and open the achievements cupboard. Bring out some of your shining achievements and put the current setback into perspective. This will help you shrug off the setback and move on.
A famous Spartan warrior (1) was told that such was the might of the army that he and his men were about to face that when the mighty army's archers simultaneously fired, the sun would be darkened by the sheer volume of arrows. After a moment's thought he answered:
'that's great news. At least we'll be fighting in the shade.'
B Be In The Moment
Most of our lives are spent being in the past or being in the future and not being in the present.
We are either looking back thinking what we should have done, what we might have done, what went wrong, what went right.
Or we're planning what we are going to do, when we are going to do it, who best to do it with, how we want it to go.
We spend very little time being in the present enjoying the moment. Try it. If you're doing something that should be fun and should make you happy - allow this to happen. Be in the moment.
Try to turn the brain off from analysing the past or planning the future and just enjoy the moment.
Sometimes this is harder than it sounds.
However, the more you do it the better you get.
Be in the moment (2).
'The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance, the wise grows it under his feet.'
- James Oppenheim
C Csikszentmiaalyi
No. It is not an anagram. Unpronounceable name and yes, OK,
it's a chart. But, it's a good chart.
Csikszentmiaalyi's chart is all about the match between the challenge that you undertake and your ability to undertake that challenge and how this can fundamentally affect your happiness.
The challenge could be anything. For example: 'writing a book about Happiness in English.' Your ability in this case will be a combination of your ability to write a book; your ability to write in the English language; and your ability to write about happiness.
What this chart says is that if any challenge you undertake is too great for your ability you will end up stressing yourself out.
See the red area = Stress.
For example, your first language might not be English and as you start you might get bogged down in what is correct English and what is not. This could be stressful (particularly if you have a fixed deadline) and create unhappiness.
Conversely, if the challenge you undertake is too small for your ability then you end up bored. See the blue area = Boredom.
For example, you've written loads of books and this latest book is not very taxing. Result? Boredom which again can create unhappiness.
The area where there is a better match between your ability and the challenge, Csikszentmiaalyi calls: Flow.
In Flow you're stimulated but not overloaded.
The yellow line shows the path to happiness. That is: when you are fully stimulated (so you gotta be on your toes but not over stressed so that you're unhappy) then bingo! Happiness is 'round the corner.
The black line shows the kind of trajectory you might end up taking: ie being a bit stressed for periods but then being in control for a bit, then a bit stressed out again, then in control again etc. But not bored.
D Decoy Airfield
This is a true story.
During the Second World War the Germans decided
to outfox the English by building a decoy airfield. So, they built
a wooden airstrip, a wooden control tower, wooden outbuildings, wooden
planes and wooden hangars. All with lights. They were finishing up
the construction, and had just started sending out misinformation as
to the location of the decoy airfield to be picked up by the English,
when they spotted one of their own planes overhead.
They panicked, hoping
that the plane would not try to land on the airstrip as it was unsafe.
As the plane got closer they noticed that in fact it was an English
Lancaster Bomber and took immediate cover.
The English Lancaster Bomber
circled the airstrip once then dropped a single, wooden, hand-whittled,
decoy bomb which split into two on impact with the runway. With its mission
completed the Lancaster Bomber high-tailed and set off back to Blighty.
Whenever
you are lost on the horns of a dilemma, or don't know what action to
take, you could do worse than get into the mind-set of the guys who ran
the decoy bomb mission. Maintaining a light touch through thick and thin
is often the way to happiness.
E Expectation
Here's the rub.
If you come second but you expected to win you're unhappy.
If you come second but you expected to come eighth then you're happy.
Either way, you still came second. Your level of happiness/unhappiness is purely down to your expectation not your achievement.
A lot of people who are driven to achieve, for whatever reason, remain unhappy as their expectations are still unmet no matter what they achieve.
So. There's a little life choice right there.
Do I want to set my expectations high so that I push myself higher and achieve more but probably end up unhappy?
Or;
Do I want to set my expectations a little lower, achieve a little less but be happier?
Wow. Now that's a big question.
'The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.'
- Woody Allen
'Unhappiness is best defined as the difference between our talents and our expectations.'
- Edward De Bono
F Fishing
On a beautiful beach on a far flung island lies a simply dressed young man looking out to sea. A well dressed stranger walks by and they get to talking.
The well-to-do stranger asks the young man what line of business he is in.
"I occasionally fish." he replies.
"So", suggests the businessman, "why don't you hire a boat, work hard and make some "real' money?"
"Real money?" enquires the younger man, intrigued.
"Why in no time at all you could earn enough money to buy your very own boat!"
"But, why would I want to do that?" asks the young man, confused by the idea.
"Because then you could take out your boat and hire another boat and have two boats fishing."
"Two boats? Sounds complicated. Why would I want two boats?"
"Because, my friend, you could then work up to having a whole fleet of boats all fishing for you!" continues the businessman concerned at the young man's lack of ambition.
"But, why would I want a fleet of boats?" asks the younger still failing to see the bigger picture.
The businessman, clearly frustrated at his young charge's lack of understanding, continues: "Because, then you could retire and do whatever you wanted!"
"Like what?" questions the young man still oblivious to the obvious rewards.
"Like, like, like..", replies the businessman, not quite believing the young man's inability to grasp a relatively straightforward concept, "Like lie on the beach all day if you wanted."
"But I am lying on the beach." replies the young man.
G Gardeners
Old people. Surely, they must know something. You often find them in gardens don't you? And a lot of old people become keen gardeners. What is that all about?
Don't know to be honest. Can't say I'm a big fan of gardening; it just takes too long doesn't it? And I haven't got that much spare time yet.
Voltaire suggested:
'Let us cultivate our garden.'
Marcel Proust, no stranger to a rake, wrote:
'Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.'
Mark Twain, a man who sowed more than his fair share of happiness, said:
'Whoever is happy will make others happy too.'
And, James M Barrie, who dreamed up Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens, wrote:
'Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.'
OK. Now I'm starting to get it.
So the moral is something about nurturing happiness in yourself and others, passing it on and eventually getting it back right?
Nope? OK. Still don't get it."
H Happiness
Well, the big one. The big H. What we're all striving for, supposedly.
'Happiness is a warm gun.'
- John Lennon
Hmmm. Not so sure John. Obviously having a bad day. Good song; bad advice.
Relax everybody, scientists (3) have come up with a formula for happiness which is:
Happiness = P + (5*E) + (3*H)
Where:
P = Personal traits (outlook on life, resilience and adaptability)
E = Existence needs (health, money and friends)
H = Higher order needs (sense of humour, ambition and self esteem)
Wow. I never realised it was that easy. No, really. I really didn't.
I'll be honest with you. I prefer this one below. Which even a fool such as I can understand:
If you want happiness for an hour - take a nap
If you want happiness for a day - go fishing
If you want happiness for a month - get married
If you want happiness for a year - inherit a fortune
If you want happiness for a lifetime - help other people
- Chinese proverb
I Inside
Well, it turns out that a whole bunch of people think that happiness is built from the inside and not from the outside.
No matter how much positive stimulation we get from the outside world, deep down we all know these are just pleasures which are short-lived.
It's true, even the really expensive stores can only really sell us small amounts of happiness and we need to look elsewhere for longer lasting happiness.
'It's not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which make us happy; it's that that we think and feel and do. First for the other fellow then for ourselves.'
- Helen Keller
Apparently Buddhist Monks can train their brains to be happier. Buddhists believe that the origin of suffering is attachment. So, they spend a lot of time detaching themselves from material things and ideas including: physical objects, desire, passion, ardour, the pursuit of wealth, prestige, fame or popularity.
In short they detach themselves from craving and clinging.
This detachment eventually leads to enlightenment where there is no ignorance or unhappiness and a state of greater understanding is attained.
All of this by not wanting or having things. Weird.
Maybe that's what Eric Hoffer meant when he said:
'You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy.'
J Just Let It Happen Differently
It always happens differently to how you imagine.
When I was younger, I thought I could plan my life and control my happiness. I had this idea of happiness in my head. A certain sort of a life with a certain number of kids and a certain sort of job and a certain level of finances. All of these were goals to be attained to maximise my happiness.
But now I realise what a prize putz I was. After life has got through whupping your ass like a pinball and you're spat out between the flippers, you realise that it always happens differently to how you imagine. And, it's always going to: that is life.
You can't really control anything.
Now, I'm not saying just go limp like a Pooh stick and let life walk all over you. No indeedy. What I'm saying is, if you can let go of the idea that you can control life and just let it happen the way it does but respond to it rather than try to control it, then the ride is much easier and you are more able to allow happiness in.
That's all I'm saying.
K Know Yourself
There's a lot of people in this world want you to be like them.
But it's most important for you, to be like you.
The pressure to succeed and be perfect is hard enough without having to pretend to be someone else. It's also the fast track to unhappiness because you can never be who you truly are.
Being yourself often means not being part of a crowd and not being afraid to plough your own furrow. This can be hard and take nerve, stubbornness and the ability to stand your own ground. But it's worth it.
To be yourself you have to know yourself first. You need to know what makes you feel happy not what somebody else says should make you feel happy. There is a difference.
So, take some time to discover yourself; just how you are. Not how you'd like to be, or how somebody else would like you to be but how you are.
Find out what really makes you feel happy, what really makes you feel sad, what is important, what is not.
Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. There are some things that you can do better than other people. These are your strengths. Find out what these are and work to develop and strengthen them. Know your strengths and know yourself. It's only once you know yourself that you can be yourself.
I can't tell you how to do this you have to find your own way. But I know you can. Good luck.
Know yourself. Then you can be yourself.
'Whenever you feel like you're alone and there's nobody you can rely on, this is all you need to know: you are [insert your name here].'
- John Vitti
L Laugh
As in the answer you get when you ask a London cabbie to go south of the river: "You're having a laugh aren'tcha?"
Laughter and happiness connected? Surely some mistake? But no, apparently they ARE connected.
"News just in: A crack team of international box-tickers, having spent £895million of YOUR money over six years, suggested today that there IS a link between laughter and happiness."
"Wow. You think it could be true?"
OK. So. You don't need to be Sherlock Holmes to work out that laughter and happiness are connected. But why stop there? If the aim of life is to be happy, why not spend some time in your life increasing the chances of laughing? I'm not suggesting pushing old people down steep flights of stairs (although, watching people fall over can be very funny indeed). Far from it. All I'm suggesting is doing some things that are likely to make you laugh. That's it really. OK. I'll stop now.
Some vaguely connected quotes:
'A good comedy blows dust off your soul.'
- Mel Brooks
To laugh often and much ... this is to have succeeded.'
- Ralph Waldo Emerson / Bessie Stanley
'When you realise how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.
- Guatama Siddharta
M Mates
The world can be divided into communicators and non-communicators (4).
The communicators are there with a smile on their face ready to communicate. The non-communicators often don't look you in the eye before barging you out of the way to get to that stall first at the market.
I used to get cross about this. But now I just let them go knowing that these non communicators are missing out on something very important to happiness.
Now what they reckon is that a very large part of happiness is the strength of your social relationships. And that friends matter a whole lot more than you'd think.
Having a social network (which is a complicated way of saying 'some good mates') to support you when you are going through something tricky is important: "a problem shared is a problem halved' blah de blah de blah.
However, I would go further and say that talking 'inconsequential rubbish' is an extremely important thing for humans, who are social beasts, to do.
F'rinstance, when I walk up my local high street to get a loaf of bread, the journey takes ten times as long as it could as I will greet the flower stall man, hurl good natured abuse at the fruit stall holders, compliment the lady at the hairdresser on her new whatever, chat with the man at the newsagent's - which I didn't even intend to go into.
Now my intention nine days out of ten is to go in with a line/story to brighten up their day and generally shoot the breeze. And I'd like to think that on maybe a few of these days I succeed in bringing a moment's cheer. And on a great day I might even make them laugh.
But the really interesting day is the one day out of ten where I'm not at my best where I've got something on my mind or whatever. On this day I still make the detours but on these occasions the people I meet might cheer me up.
An unwritten bit of give and take.
Usually by the end of my journey I'm feeling loads better about the day.
So you see we end up lightening each other's days which is important.
And, sometimes they make me laugh out loud. Which is always nice.
You see, if you walk around with a face like you just ate a big bag
of lemons and concentrate on just getting your tasks done, sure, you'd
be home quicker but your level of happiness won't have changed much.
So, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. Mates, acquaintances and talking
rubbish. All more important than you might think.
'Be nice to the people you meet on the way up as you meet them on the way down too.'
- Ozzy Osbourne
N Not As Much As You Expect
Daniel Gilbert (5) suggests that we humans are just not very good at estimating the effect that events in our lives, both big and small, will have on our overall long-term happiness.
Did you get married or win a lottery this year?
Or, have you been involved in a war or are you a crime victim?
Whatever events you have been through, whether good or bad, it is probable that your happiness will be more or less the same in the long term.
Professor Gilbert suggests that the brain has an inbuilt mechanism to reset people back to their baseline happiness over time.
So, do you think that your new house/job/car/handbag will bring you happiness?
Certainly it will, just not as much as you expect.
Do you think that getting rejected by that girl/boy or losing that friend/relative/job will make you unhappy?
It probably will, just not as much as you expect.
'The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances.'
- Martha Washington
O One Hundred Small Pleasures
Happiness is a transient thing. One minute you're happy, the next minute you're not.
Happiness has the annoying habit of evaporating quite quickly.
Furthermore, the amount of happiness you feel is not proportionate to the event that triggered it ie an enormous event does not create that much more happiness than, say, the simple pleasure of eating your favourite chocolate bar.
So, it's not whether something wonderful happens to you but how many small positive things you experience daily.
Turns out the brain is more sensitive to the frequency of experiences than their intensity.
For this reason an eminent professor (6) suggests that it's better to have a hundred small pleasures than one magnificent one.
So, for instance, if you have an extra lump of money to spend, rather than spend it on one magnificent thing you'd create more happiness by spending it on numerous smaller pleasures.
P The Path To Happiness Is Not Built On...
Apparently, the path to happiness is not built on the following:
Money, Age, Gender, Income, Race, Education, Social status, Marriage, and Childbirth
Amazing isn't it? Let's have another look. And how many people do you know who are striving to change their position with relation to one or more of the above in the mistaken belief that happiness will result?
- Build your self esteem
- Build resiliance to deal with life's changes
- Believe yourself worth of happiness
- Build a strong social support network ie. friends
Extensive research (7) has shown that positive changes in this lot may result in an initial high which evaporates and returns you to where you were before, giving that perpetual "more is never enough feeling"
Instead of the above, pursuit of the following is more likely to result in happiness:
Go on. Try it.
Q Quest
Consider the consequences of a quest.
In life people can set a course to pursue a magnificent goal which they believe will bring an enormous amount of happiness. A quest if you like.
This quest inevitably involves making a lot of sacrifices on the way often creating unhappiness for themselves and importantly those around them (a perfectionist can be described as 'Someone who takes great pains and gives them to those around them').
The outcome of the quest can be something of an anticlimax as the resulting happiness from achieving the goal is smaller than expected, creating unhappiness, or worse still, the magnificent goal is not achieved creating a lot of unhappiness.
Now, I'm not saying don't be setting off on quests. I'm not saying that at all. Quests can be good things. All I'm saying is be careful in how you pursue your dreams and consider the consequences. Often the sacrifices that you make on your quest are only fully realised not at the beginning of the quest or during your quest but at the end of the quest or afterwards.
Consider the consequences.
R Resilience
So there you are, happy as a clam when something or somebody comes and unceremoniously bursts your bubble of happiness. It's a sickener. Happy one moment, unhappy the next.
Sometimes, however, you are able to shrug off that somebody or something and maintain your state of happiness. The better your ability to do this the better your resilience. The better your resilience, the more you can maintain your state of happiness.
So, if you want to be overall happier, it would seem to be sensible to build your resilience, which is your ability to cope with stress and catastrophe.
There are lots of ways of building your resilience including Positive Psychology (8). Positive Psychology, in a nutshell, suggests concentrating on the following areas:
- counting your blessings
- challenging negative thoughts
- playing to your strengths
- seeking out meaning in your life
So there we are. Build up your resilience to help you increase your overall level of happiness.
S Success Is Not The Same As Happiness
Don't confuse happiness and success. They are different things.
How many times do we hear about someone successful who seems to have it all but acts in a very unhappy way? Oftentimes this person has confused success with happiness. They might be the best in their field, famous, or one of the richest. However, this on its own does not bring happiness.
Success might make you happy but it might not. It is a separate thing.
'Success is getting and achieving what you want. Happiness is wanting and being content with what you get.'
- Bernard Meltzer
'I have learned to seek happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them.'
- John Stuart Mills.
So. If you want success pursue success.
If you want happiness pursue happiness.
T Trillion
I know, I know. Money Can't Buy You Love etc. But surely, in practice, a trillion can buy everything including happiness?
Well, what they say is that it's certainly true that lack of money can create unhappiness up to a certain point.
However when you have enough money to cover the basics (food, shelter, clothing etc) then more money does not make much difference to your happiness.
'Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.'
- Spike Milligan
'The man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest.'
- Henry David Thoreau
U Use The Difficulty
If something goes wrong, no matter how bad it is, if you look for a way to turn it around, you'll find it.
Life will always present difficulties, no matter who you are. Part of our level of happiness is down to how we deal with the difficulties life presents us.
There is a mind-set which sees difficulties as an annoyance, conversely, there is a mind-set that sees difficulties as an opportunity to develop a beautiful solution.
Most of the time, I'm in that beautiful solution group and know that an achievement that is achieved having overcome difficulties brings more happiness than the smooth path.
I have to confess that Use The Difficulty is not mine. Use The Difficulty is a parenting motto of the great Maurice Micklewhite who taught it to his daughters.
Yes the Maurice Micklewhite.
You probably know Maurice Micklewhite better after he changed his name to Michael Caine.
V Volunteer Your Services
I met a guy who was very well off, had an amazing lifestyle but didn't "buy into all of that helping other people baloney." He then went off on a tirade against the whole world cementing his place in my heart as one of the grumpiest people I have ever met.
One of the main themes that comes up in the search for what brings happiness is: helping others, which you will find scattered throughout this book and beyond.
Seems to be such an unconnected thing. It's almost as if you're saying that if you can't make yourself happy, the least you can do is try to make others happy.
However, there is a connection with your own happiness which, for me, is best explained by Albert Camus:
'When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him...'
How's that for a slice of fried gold?
W Why Does It Always Happen To Me?
You know somedays you've got a deadline to meet for something and you've almost finished it off on the computer when as you're racing to get it done, by some cruel twist of fate, the file can't be retrieved?
No matter what you do, file 'myimportantletter', 'mycoursework', 'myhugenovel' or 'mysoloalbum' can no longer be retrieved.
You try everything and it just won't come back. Realisation starts to sink in. It's gone and it's due very, very soon.
First thought? 'Bollocks!' Next thought? 'Why does it always happen to me?' And from then on your day/week is spoilt and you're in a bad mood.
The moment you think: 'Why does it always happen to me?' Or any other self deflating thought you've just burst your own bubble, you've just spoilt your own day/week.
With the same day, same computer, same lost file but a different attitude you can unspoil the day.
Instead of the 'Why does it always happen to me?' thought, try the following thought: 'OK, this has happened and I'm in a pickle. However, these things do happen. They're part of everyday life. If I really can't retrieve it then I'll have to recreate it. Sometimes things just have to be late. But, I'm not going to let an everyday incident spoil my day.'
This exact event has happened to me on a number of occasions and even though the original file took me say 20 days solid to produce, because I have done the hard part of doing the thinking, the rewrite or rebuild can be done in a fraction of the time. Most of it is still in your head.
I've also had the annoyance of finding the 'lost' file later but found that the rebuild is actually a better iteration as you've been given the chance to improve things in the unexpected extra draft. So I now don't see the loss of the file as a bad thing but as an opportunity to further improve it. This puts you in a better mood for the rebuild too.
X Examine The Outcome Of Others' Life Choices
So, you're hurtling along life's highway when you have to make a decision. A life choice. Should I move house? Should I marry someone? Should I set out to become such-and-such?
So you take some time to assess what the life change will mean. How exactly will it change your life? How will it affect your future happiness levels?
Now, according to a Harvard professor (9) our ability to forecast what effect the change will have on our happiness is not very good.
We have a tendency to get blinded by other things such as social status, myths of glamorous life styles, etc. For instance; we know that lottery winners are actually no happier, but we think we'd be different if it happened to us.
Rather than just looking at the life choice itself you can make more accurate predictions of the effect on happiness levels by examining the outcome of others' life choices.
So if you want to know what the effect on happiness is of a particular decision, search out other people who have done the same thing and see how they are. How are their happiness levels?
Sounds sensible to me.
Y You Shouldn't Cry Over Spilt Milk
This is a true story.
A man was robbed of his wallet by a street mugger outside his own home. The victim, though shaken, did not lie down and rue his bad luck. Far from it.
What he did do was run back into his own house and pick up a pencil and drawing pad. Being a cartoonist he drew a picture from memory of the street mugger's face and took it to the police.
The police recognized the picture at once as being of a guy they had been unable to arrest on suspicion of another crime. The police were amazed at the drawing's likeness to their suspect and, such was the likeness, were able to arrest and subsequently charge the street mugger.
It is important to keep going forward even if you believe that you have suffered bad luck. Those that stand around crying over the spilt milk do not see or take the opportunities ahead of them.
'When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.'
- Helen Keller
Z ZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Seriously, get enough kip.
Sleep fixes a lot of things.
Bringing the curtain down on a bad day by going to bed early and getting up early the next day has a lot going for it.
If you don't believe me, try it.
And lastly...
'You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.'
- Albert Camus
So. Put this book down and jump in.
Go on.
It just can't be that bad....
Acknowledgements
- Dieneces, the Spartan
- For more on this see: Being There, Jerzy Kosinski; Zen In The Art Of Archery, Eugen Herrigel; The book of the void from A Book Of Five Rings, Miyamoto Musashi, etc.
- Pete Cohen and Carol Rothwell commissioned by Thompson the holiday company
- Irvin Major
- Harvard College Professor Daniel Gilbert, see Stumbling on Happiness
- Professor Daniel Gilbert, Harvard College
- Dianne Schilling, Simple Secrets of Happiness
- Positive psychology is the scientific study of human happiness. The term is attributed to Dr Martin EP Seligman, University of Pennsylvania
- Professor Daniel Gilbert, Harvard College
Thanks
Thanks to this lot, without whom it would have been a whole lot trickier: Lee Redmond at lr-design.co.uk, Peter Salem, Violet Patton-Ryder, Nuwella, Irvin Major, Jean Gibson, Samuel Langhorne Clemens, Charles Dickens, Bill Hicks, Dylan Thomas, Jim, Jackie, Jack & Charlotte Payne, Hannah & Les Thomas, Mat Regan, Miyamoto Musashi, Daniel Gilbert and A.A. Milne.